Jay Chou to His Mom: "Keep It Up, and I'm Moving Out!"
Chou sporting his favorite underwear...cap
Taiwan: Jay Chou, 26, and one of China's biggest pop stars, recently threatened to abandon his long time roomate, his mother, after she accidently served him a peach daiquiri with alchohol in it. Chou had reportedly asked for a virgin peach daiquiri.
"He is the biggest popstar in Asia. I just thought it was time for him to party a little bit and act like a spoiled rock star for a change," said his mother, Yeh Hui-mei. "He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke. He doesn't have to be Keith Moon, but he could wreck a hotel room or snort a line of coke off a hooker's ass. I just think it's time for him to grow up and start acting like a rock star. So, yeah, I did it. I snuck some alchohol into his peach daiquiri. But I did it for him, because I love him and want him to actually have fun or get laid even before he dies... probably while saving a puppy from a burning house."
"I have enough going on right now. I just wanted to chill out, watch video's of myself, and drink a virgin peach daiquiri. But no! My mom has to spike it...with what I think was alchohol," said Jay Chou. "So as much as it hurt, I told her I was going to move out if she kept being a bad influence."
"Obviously, he was bluffing," said his mom, Yeh Hui-mei. "He hasn't spent a night away from me since he was three."
China Drops Boeing Contract,
Buys Bowie from Great Britain for $4 Billion
David Bowie: China's Property
London: After ordering seventy aircrafts from aerospace giant Boeing for $4 billion, the Chinese government has cancelled the order, "decided to go in a different direction," and bought David Bowie from the United Kingdom for the same price. The deal, one of the largest aircraft orders ever place, was made this past week while U.S. President George W. Bush was visiting Bejing.
"This is proud day for China," said Chinese President Hu Jintao. "We did not want to offend Boeing, the U.S., or President Bush, but when we agreed to the seventy planes with Boeing we weren't aware that David Bowie was even for sale. Obviously the aircrafts would have helped our infrastructure, but David Bowie improves the Chinese soul. Which do you think is more important?"
"Wow, who knew David Bowing was as valuble as seventy planes? It sounds like those meddling kids from Airbus have been meddling in our business," said George W. Bush from his Neverland Ranch in Texas. "On the other hand, I did get some cheap North Face gear while I was in China, and Christmas is just around the corner. So overall, I would say the trip was a success."
British PM Tony Blair was ecstatic. "Well, just when I thought the U.K. had nothing left to import, we stumble into this gold mine. Israel has been calling, practically begging for Madonna."
When approached for an interview, David Bowie called Hollywood China "fuggin' wanks." He wouldn't make any further statement.
Hollywood China Commentary
Is Jackie Chan Clairvoyant?
Beijing: The following article is from the China Daily via the AP:
"Movie star Jackie Chan claims he guessed two of Beijing's Olympic mascots (AP)."
"Film and martial arts superstar Jackie Chan said he guessed two of the five mascots for the 2008 Beijing Olympics before the quintet was unveiled.
Chan made a surprise appearance in the finale of a nationally televised gala unveiling the mascots on Friday night in Beijing. He danced on stage with stuffed toys of two of the mascots in each hand.
The mascots, selected three months ago by Olympic officials, were a closely guarded secret. But before the show, Chan said he made a bet with a friend on the identities, correctly guessing they would be the panda and the Tibetan antelope. In the end, the mascots also included stylized versions of a carp, a swallow and the Olympic Flame. "I was right about two," Chan told reporters afterward."
Many in the press are cynical about whether Jackie Chan actually guessed two out of the five mascots. We here at Hollywoood China believe him. Hey, he made a freaking a bet with another undisclosed person. Unfortunately the Associated Press, in another show of shoddy journalism, failed to interview that person.
We are glad we didn't make any bets with our guesses. We here at HC guessed the panda, but thought the other mascot would be a Tibetan rather than a Tibetan antelope. We were also way off on the other three--guessing the others would be stylized versions of polluted ground water, toxic waste, and a wallabee (southern China is practically Australia after all). We think it's safe to say that nobody saw the carp coming, and we would be more impressed if Chan had guessed the flamer and the swallower. But still, two out of five isn't bad when you are Jackie Chan.
At HC we are comfortable making predictions about movies. We predict Jackie Chan's next movie will either be a fish-out-of-water buddy movie set in the wild west or a fish-out-of-water buddy movie set in LA. Either way way the end credits will reveal that during the filming of the movie Jackie hurt his nose, ankle, spleen, eye, elbow, fist, or nuts. And the movie will suck. Anybody want to bet?
Nothing Says China and Olympics Like a Wallabee
Except for a Carp...and a Pocket Knife
Back Dorm Boys Slated to Lip Sync National
Anthem at 2008 Beijing Olympics
Beijing: Olympic Opening Ceremonies spokesperson, Lin Huang, revealed that the Back Dorm Boys of much internet fame in the past year will be mouthing the Chinese National Anthem in the Opening Ceremonies in 2008.
"The way I see it, at least we are being honest," said Lin. "Have you ever seen the Super Bowl? Their performers always lip sync the Star Spangled Banner--and not even as well at our Back Dorm Boys. Did you see that capitalist roader Whitney Houston's performance in the 1991 Super Bowl XXV? Forgive me for being so frank, but no wonder Bobby Brown beat her after that. That was a disgrace to the art of lip sync. I even cringed, and I hate America with all my heart."
The duo has requested that their roomate still be allowed to perform with them by playing Counter Strike in the background with his back to the audience.
Neither Milli nor Vanilli could be reached for a comment.
Milli Vanilli: Way Ahead of Their Time
Ying Yang Twins:
OSC's Keeping it Real Or Not?
Atlanta: A recent investigation conducted by Hollywood China reveals that one of the hottest rap duos in America, Ying Yang Twins, aren't actually overseas Chinese. The Atlanta-based rap duo made of Kaine (Eric Jackson) and D'Roc (D'Angelo Holmes) have also disappointed dizygotic twins around the world when Hollywood China also discovered that they are not even brothers.
"They didn't even share the same uterine growing space," says Donnie Gu, president of the International Overseas Chinese Dizygotic Twins Association. "I mean, I have to admit, I had my doubt whether they were really Chinese. But as a dizygotic twin, I still was happy to claim them. It just hurts. I am consoled only by the fact that we (Chinese) still have the Wu Tang Clan."
Chinese Government Accused of Plagiarizing Wording
in New Anti-Piracy Legislation
Beijing. The Swiss Government has accused China of blatantly stealing and plagiarizing several sensitive Swiss government documents, including Switzerland's official recipe for Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate and their Anti-Piracy/Intellectual Property Law.
"We are happy that China is taking steps to hault the proliferation of illegal DVD's and computer software, but we regret they chose to copy the wording of our law, word for word," said Peter Mueller, a Swiss government spokesperson. "This really makes us wonder if Chinese lawmakers are really serious about cracking down on piracy."
"Ooh, Switzerland. We're really scared," said Chinese Government spokesperson Zhang Pimin right before getting high fives from several junior staffers.
Chairman Takeshi Kaga Angers Iron Chef Chinese by Visiting Shrine to Sushi
Special Ingredient is...Raving Lunacy
Tokyo. Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi recently threatened to quit the popular Japanese television show,
Iron Chef, after the flamboyant host of the show, Takeshi Kaga visited a shrine to raw fish in Tokyo. Iron Chef Chinese Chen is the only original Iron Chef from the television show, and has built up a popular fan base by cooking tradional Chinese Szechwan fair, toned down a bit for the sensitve Japanese palate.
"Yes, I know I live in Japan, but I'm tired of that weirdo rubbing Japan in my face. I'm Chinese, and I have my own following now. I know I could start an even better cooking show in China--one that didn't have that Japanese Liberace nancing about either. I think him honoring sushi, which is the most disgusting food there is, may be the last straw. He has become more and more ecentric ever since the show began. Now he just gets on my nerves. I want to say to him, for the last time, no you can't smell my socks, and no I don't think
Hello Kitty is sexy. I mean I have to put up with that kind of Japanese weirdness every single day. We get it, you like to eat raw peppers. Wow, Chairman Kaga, your are so dangerous and cutting edge. Sheesh. I'm out of here."
Chairman Takeshi Kaga could not be reached for a comment. His assistant said he was in his castle "killing germs with a spoon."
Hollywood to Make Movie about Yao Ming's Life--Starring Yao Ming
Shanghai: Yao Ming beat out several talented actors recently to play the part of himself in an upcoming movie about his metoric rise from world's tallest Shanghai Shark to world's tallest Apple spokesperson. Several popular Chinese actors tried out for the role, but in the end, Yao Ming was the only one who was actually seven foot, six inches tall.
"You can't teach height," casting directory Wu Ming Ming, said proudly to everyone who would listen. "I heard Bill Walton say that once, and I am probably one of the few people that still listens to anything he says."
Edison Chen was disappointed he didn't get the part. "Sure he's tall, but I'm an actor. I can act 7'6", but I wonder if he can. I am 7'6" inside. My heart is that big. I hate people who are good at something else, like basketball, then assume they can just go out and act. I don't understand where they get that idea, but I'm here to say they are wrong."
No word yet whether the Chinese government will remain consistent and take half of Yao's pay check for the movie as well.
"It's too bad; I could have been a better Yao Ming."
"Edison Chen? I can sing, dance and act better than him. Plus he's short."
Yesterday Once More Continues Death Grip on
China's Top 20 Charts--1,664 Weeks and Counting
Little did Richard Carpenter know when he wrote a song for his sister, Karen Carpenter, thirty-two years ago, it would still be at the top of the Charts in China . Coming up this week, Yesterday Once More will have been at the top of China’s Top Twenty Charts for a mind boggling 1,664 weeks.
“It’s an honor,” says Richard Carpenter. “I mean China has a lot of people, and a good portion of them seem to really love our music. I don’t know if that means that we had good taste then, or China continues to have good taste now? I’m happy, although I can’t say we’ve ever received a penny in royalties from that part of the world—a penny or whatever kinda crazy ying yangs and yick yaks they pay with over there. Anyway, it does feel good to be appreciated. Do they know I released a solo album back in 1987? It should be a hot new album there by now.”
Andy Lau’s song All About Love recently made it into the top ten, but he sees Yesterday Once More’s dominance as a sickness more than anything. “It’s a new century in China. I personally think it’s time to move on. It’s time to give other music a chance-music like-say-for-instance, my music. I hate that song. I never want to hear those words again.”
Unfortunately for Andy, he will hear those words a lot in the future for even he's tried to tap into the popularity of Yesterday Once More by starring in a movie with Sammy Cheng entitled ,what else but, Yesterday Once More.
Despite repeated attempts, long angry voice mails, and an altercation with her personal assistant, Karen Carpenter could not be reached for a comment.
Chinese Bootleggers to Hollywood:
"Make a Movie Worth Pirating"
Update 9-19-2005: Apparently another major newservice agrees with the Chinese Bootleggers
After receiving a good deal of heat from America and the Chinese Government for lifting American movies and selling them as cheap DVDs in China, the Chinese pirating industry is speaking out.
"Oh sure, we're the bad guys. But remember, we aren't the ones who put Paris Hilton in House of Wax," says Tang Zhi Mao, one of the top DVD pirates in all of China. "I knew that Hollywood was upset about us copying their movies and selling them to ESL teachers for less than a dollar, but could they stoop so low as to produce movies that even we feel embarrassed about reproducing?"
Paris Hilton:
Putting Bootleggers Out of Work,
One Movie at a Time
Wang Bin Nai, the man responsible for dubbing the credits to Ski School at the end of every movie bought in China, agrees. "The Cave, Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo, Must Love Dogs, Red Eye and Dukes of Hazzard? Do you really expect us to pirate this crap? What kind of summer lineup is that? USA Up All Night? This is affecting us directly, and when nobody is willing to pay .63 cents for your movie, it's a very bad movie."
Tang also has some advice that he thinks will help the movie industry out. "Write an original script with original characters. Seriously. I could go to America, buy some comic books, tape somebody reading them, and probably have the next five movies coming out of Hollywood. Please, no more comic books; no more old television shows made into a movie; and no more movie re-makes. It's one thing to insult the intelligence of the American public, Hollywood has been doing that for years(look how much money Titanic made), but now you're insulting our intelligence. We aren't amused."
